To speak up without offending: assertion and I-messages
How you evaluate yourself professionally
Most of us know the situation: a colleague asks you for something you don't really have time for, or a decision is made that you disagree with — and instead of saying it, you say yes or stay silent. Afterwards you regret it. Assertion is about finding a third way between submitting and attacking: being clear about your viewpoint, your boundaries and your needs while respecting the other person.
The ability to speak up in a proper way is not something you either have or don't—it's a communication skill that can be learned and practiced like any other part of professional craft. Many mistakenly associate it with being hard or cold, but in reality assertion is about the opposite: being able to stand firm on your own without making the other person smaller.
§Three ways to respond
When we experience pressure or disagreement, we typically react in one of three ways. The submissive reaction suppresses our own needs to avoid conflict. The aggressive reaction pushes our viewpoint through regardless of the other. The assertive reaction puts our own needs and limits into words clearly and calmly while meeting the other with respect.
| Reaction form | Characteristic |
|---|---|
| Submissive. | Says yes to avoid discomfort even though they disagree or are overwhelmed |
| Aggressive | Pushes through their point of view, raises their voice, belittles the other's position |
| Assertive | Speaks clearly up or to, explains why and listens to the other's perspective |
§I-messages as a tool
One of the most used techniques in assertive communication is the I-message. Instead of starting a sentence with 'you' — which easily feels like an accusation — you start by describing your own experience: what you see or hear how it affects you and what you would like instead.
- 01Describe the situation concretely: what happened, when?
- 02Describe the effect on you: how did it affect your task, your time or your well-being?
- 03Say what you want in the future instead of just pointing out the problem
- 04Avoid words like 'always' and 'never'—they invite defense rather than dialogue.
§Assertion is not the same as being right
An important caveat: assertive communication does not guarantee you get your way. The goal is not to win, but to be heard clearly and to understand the other person equally clearly. Sometimes the conversation still ends with a solution you don't prefer—but it is made on an informed basis where both parties' needs were on the table.
Body language and tone count
The words are only part of the message. A calm tone, eye contact and a relaxed but upright posture support the assertive message. Crossed arms, raised voice or evasive gaze send a signal that can drown out even the most carefully chosen words.
§At øve sig i det små
Most people do not become assertive from one day to the next. It is a skill that grows with practice, like any other competence. A good way to start is in small, everyday situations — saying no to a small request, asking for an instruction to be repeated, or saying clearly when a task is completed well. Once the small situations are ingrained, it becomes far easier to hold to the same clarity the day something really important needs to be said.
Learning to say yes and no in a clear, calm way is a skill like any other — it improves with practice. If you start with everyday minor situations, it becomes easier to use the same approach when something really important needs to be said.